I really piss him off. I apparently am neither of these things: I believe wholeheartedly in God and the sacrifice of Jesus Christ, and the power of the Holy Spirit, and am not blind or off my rocker posting on websites like godhatesfags.com. So I make Jeff angry because I am still smart, despite the fact that I'm a Christian. And no matter what I tell him, Jeff doesn't buy that there are a lot of Christians just like me, and there are a lot of good churches where the majority of people understand and have a personal relationship with Christ. He has had a very poor sampling.

He was saying the other day how Christians seem to think there is this mass conspiracy against them, like everyone is persecuting them, and he says, "And that's because it's true. It's because people are starting to realize that Christians have been in power for too long and have f*cked everything up." I tried explaining to him that there is a difference between someone who calls themselves a Christian and someone who actually is a Christian, and his response is while that may be true, it's not his place to judge who is or who isn't a Christian. He went on break, and while he was gone I found myself suddenly sad. I was sad to think of all those people, from average joes to pastors and priests to world leaders, who come in the name of Christ but do things contrary to His Word. And while I myself am far from perfect, I strive to be close to God (though from time to time I get lazy in that too). I was sad to think of people like Jeff who have been disenchanted by fake Christians.

Then I was sad to think that I might not be as good of a Christian as I should be. I hear so many criticisms from my brothers and sisters that I wonder if I am some awful person. The truth is, I try my best to please God, and to listen to Him, and to rely on Him because I know that I can't do it on my own. I can't save myself. And when I'm praying with Him or reading His Word I feel fine, and the other times, I feel like no one trusts me or thinks I am in the right place.

Why does it matter what others think? I don't know. It seems to a lot lately. I find myself second guessing myself.