Stop to wonder why I exist. You'll come up with something, I'm sure, but think about it again and wonder if the reason is valid. Am I all that important, or could someone else have taken my place? You would have been just the same, I promise.

Ever think you're not worthy for something you have, want something else, and then find that the something else you want isn't less valuable than what you have so either way you aren't worthy and either way you loose. You can gain something you're unworthy of, but that confidence doesn't always follow.

I should be writing right now. I should be working on my book but I'm a little tired. It hasn't been that long of a day for me. Friday will be longer. Monday was longer. But I am just tired and I want to go to bed but Melinda's in class and I have to wait another two hours before she gets out. In that time I should be writing but my eyes keep watering cause I'm tired. That always frustruates me. They water when it's cold, too, and then drip on my glasses.

You know how people always say to other people: "You don't believe in me!"? Which is worse? To have no one believe in you, or to have everyone believe in you but yourself?

I don't get the whole older woman thing that men have except for in one instance.

I want a great adventure. I want to go off and risk something and I want to go alone and its not because there's no one I want to take (I'd love to go on an adventure with Melinda, or Ian), it's that the adventure seems better in my mind when I'm on my own. Free to experience it on my own.

If anyone can understand what this diary entry is about, I'd like to know.

PS Chad and I were talking about how Jose says he's "God's Hammer," and I said I'm not God's anything. Then after a little while Chad came downstairs from his room and I said "I'm God's mockturtle. Meloncholy. At one time I was a real turtle." He said that was extremely depressing.