But when I look at the way I was treated by these people over the years, it becomes obvious to me that I wasn't anything more than a scapegoat. Everything was always my fault. I know it's human tendency to blame others; I know that I'm guilty of doing just that myself. But I hope - I pray - that I've also told everyone who is important to me just that - that they mean a lot to me and I love them.

So what of those "friends" who have never said that to me? What of those friends who only have an emotional conversation with me when they are judging me or accusing me of something?

The wisest advice I ever heard came from an older gentleman in a dressing room backstage at the Bellevue production of "Will Roger's Follies." He said that there is only two people in the world you can please, only two people who are worth pleasing, "Yourself and God."

God first. Myself second.

I've let my life be bogged down by people I thought were important to me, but who never really considered me important. Or maybe they were trying just as hard as me, but we were never seeing eye to eye. I'm not sure if that's possible, for two people to give to each other but consistently give the wrong things, but if it is, then that is still no kind of relationship. Nietzche said that a friendship has to be mutually beneficial, and I think he was right. If a friendship is unbalanced, one person cares and the other does not, one person loves and the other does not, it's not fair to either person for that relationship to continue.

Christianity is about sacrifice. It is a belief system built out of serving others. But primarily, number one, you have to serve God. I can't serve God if I my worries over people who don't even care about me stops me from doing what I need to do. I have to live my life.

I feel like I never even got a chance to defend myself, you know? I feel like I never got a chance to sit down and say, this is me, understand that this is me and this is how you make me feel. But the truth is, I'm not sure anyone can do that with another person. Humanity has this curse of being wrapped up in its own perogatives. It's funny, because I've always believed that as I writer I could reach individuals, appeal to their deeper hearts, but maybe there are just some people that are unreachable.

I don't know. What do you think? Is it worth it to continously hurt myself?

I have to get my own stuff together, and do what I need to do. Whatever else happens externally can happen. I can't be constantly concerned with it, constantly bothered with it. I can't constantly be concerned with them, since they are never concerned with me.